Induction

It's awkward enough as it is to go to a new school and not know anyone but to add salt to the wound and throw all the phd students in the same room to ask to mingle is socially awkward (mostly on my part).

The location was in a large gymnasium type facility. There were round tables with 7-8 chairs around it with an induction booklet and guide and ethics booklet. While the admin team had clearly tried to soften the dryness of these staple bound booklets with a nice fuchsia and mint green cover, the content within was pouring out not with dryness but aggressively letting you know the stuff you don't know and the stuff you ought to know.

See, I have imposter syndrome.

I am even surprised the school had accepted me, to which I had to ask my lead supervisor whether they're really sure, but I digress. These two pink and green A4 pages are meant to guide me - so I'm told - just a reference to know the boundaries I am to work within.

In reality they looked more like 😡 🤢 to me. I stared curiously as people around the table began small talk (normal behaviour). I felt best to keep to myself and not make an effort; it's simply too exhausting when all you feel is panic from the booklets of terror.

Needless to say, I did not make one "friend."

As the 5 hour induction progressed and each of the pages within the booklet were discussed in depth, I pretty much shat myself and had several existential breakdowns - Why did I ever think this was a good idea? I'm so f*cked right now. Are they going to pick apart my already lacking intelligence? ... and that's some of the more appropriate stream of consciousness which can be posted online.

At the end of the introduction, I was quite certain that I will most definitely fail this degree and that it would be best to withdraw from the programme. My supervisors talked me off the ledge and said these sessions were designed to scare students to working their asses off.

Mission accomplished.

Concluding thoughts: PhDs are hard. Like really hard. If you want to feel like a pile of shit but are passionate as f*ck about your research area, get into a programme and hope for the best.

Actions: pray to all the known gods/goddesses/universe/deities out there.