Existential Breakdown(s)
I wish someone told me the journey of a PhD would be hyper self reflective. It's true, sometimes I don't like what I see in the mirror (not even if it's Belle's magical mirror, and definitely not Snow White's). Whilst I'm familiar with the notion of self reflection with my studio practice, I'm surprised by the amount of existential breakdowns I'm currently confronted by.
In preparation of structuring my writing, I was asked repeatedly what the motive of my research is. Is it because of money, my peers, my practice and if not any of those options, then what.
Answers are never quite as simple as I want them to be. As much as a black and white answer would suffice this PhD, in reality my answer is in a spectrum of grey. I started on this research journey due to the frustration of my inability to make a living off my practice. The typical consolation is "you became an artist because you love what you do".
Yes. I do.
I also love to not be homeless and be able to pay for food. You know, the basic needs in life? Though apparently based on my previous sentence, I don't need water.
And when my answer keeps coming back to me. My need of buying food. My need of paying rent. My desire to have a self sustained studio practice. I can't help but point fingers at myself and shame myself. Am I doing this only to make money for myself rather than trying to have a convo about cultural decline, lack of funding, high supply of artists and relatively low demand for artists?
I would love to point fingers at others. You're not giving back to society. You're rich and you can do whatever you want. You you you you. In reality,
I AM AN ASSHOLE!
I'm doing this because of my needs and wants and it's not as selfless and I had hoped for it to be.
There you have it. Existential breakdown #1.
In my distraught, I'm told actually I'm not an asshole.
Many businesses start from the frustration of someone not being able to find what they're looking for. Are those people all assholes? Prob not. They found a hole in the market and filled it. Aren't I doing the same thing?
Wait. Am I scapegoating and not taking responsibility of my decisions and actions?
Existential breakdown #2.
No wait, things aren't so black and white. It's ok to see things in grey and know that what I'm doing as much as it's about me, it's also something many others are facing.
I'm helping me and other people.
NO. UGH stop it with the sugar coating and semantics .
Existential breakdown #3.
Never ending battle.
I want to take responsibility of my choices. Where do I draw the line of things within my control and things not? Is there such a line? Am I overanalysing?
STOP!
Ok I'm stopping now. This isn't helping anyone and my PhD is at a standstill whilst I'm finger pointing at myself.
I'm going to leave it at I'm part asshole and part not. When I feel like bearing the label of asshole, I'll do it. Until I have that dying desire, I'm going to go back to this research. Byeeeeeee.
In conclusion: Just stop it.
Task: Stop it.
Task task: Stop stop stop it.
