RPA writing and more reading
Scheduling conflicts. Which one is it? Schedule or conflict? I guess in this case, it's not so much the schedule as everything has been preset so it's definitely conflict.
I am conflicted all right.
In the midst of trying to get myself together to do as much preparation work as possible to start writing my RPA, family obligations somehow cut the queue and made its way to the top of the priority list. So what is it? PhD work or family obligations? How do you balance the two and make it work?
And so the internal conflict / negotiation starts.
There are a set of questions for the RPA, you see. They need to be answered as clearly as possible. Per each paragraph I wrote to answer these preset questions, I read about 3-5 articles to back up what I was saying. In the grand total of writing (more so purging all the text from my brain) about 17 pages, let's just say I read a good amount (in my opinion) of words.
How does one cover everything that needs to be read in a short amount of time to lay out the fundamentals for this research?
Schedule
I woke up at 3am everyday. Read and wrote until about 9 or 10 am then I would nap. I'm not saying this is normal. I'm saying that this process isn't foreign to me. When you've been trained to work around the clock to maximise time to the fullest extent, somehow you'll manage to do it.
Was I fried? Yes.
Would I do it again? Yes.
Was this the best method? Probably not.
Post nap time was family obligation time. Let me preface this by saying I probably wasn't very pleasant to be around. To be quite honest, I can't remember what happened. It's hazy at best, my memory that is.
Conflict After showing up for the fam, I am left with the ever present pang of guilt of not working on the PhD. And so, the internal conflict/ negotiation starts all over again. In reality, no matter how much I wanted to continue on reading, I physically couldn't. Mentally, I pushed myself repeatedly to try. Book in both hands, document opened and ready to be typed on, with this face 😳 quickly changed to 😣 and finally to🖕🏼.
Sadly, the process of writing is nothing in comparison to editing.
As a person who has sequential/flow problems with writing I took everything personally. Every question was an attack on me.
Was it though? Nope.
Did it feel like it? It burned my skin feeling like a failure over and over again.
Am I a failure though? TBD. But, probs not. 🤔 Definitely not. 😏 Sometimes yes. Internalising too this much... moving on.
What am I? Human. Who is trying to understand this academic process.
At some point, ego bruised, sanity decimated, submission close, I let go of feeling like a victim and went with the process. It's perfectly acceptable to ask for clarity, no?
Am I a clear person? Definitely not.
Best to have other humans who are not me and not living inside my head to understand the point of the research, no? Definitely YES.
In conclusion: No one is out to get me nor want me to fail. My chip on the shoulder probably made the process that much harder, for me and me alone. I repeatedly shamed myself (yup, Brene Brown reference. I am a fuck up <- shame, vs I'm sorry for fucking up <- guilt). I told myself that I'm not smart enough, I don't write well enough, and mostly not enough full stop. Where oh where did my self compassion go? In the corner, alongside with my ego and sanity. All fine. They're friends. They're probably plotting in the corner together for a good comeback, post tears on my end, of course. 🙄
Task: Know that no matter how good one's scheduling skills are, conflict will always show up. Be it internal or external.
Task task: Time to write some mantras to tame the internal conflicts.
I will feel like a pile of shit when I write.
I am trying my best to get the ideas out of me.
I am human.
I love you wholeheartedly even when you are calling yourself names.
Task task task: It's ok to take breaks, to breathe and to be self compassionate.
