RPA assessment day
I thought it would be best to eat prior to going into being grilled. The thing is, I have a massive chip on my shoulder (obvs this is not the only chip on my shoulder. There are oh so many many many more). Any sort of assessment will always remind me of my first proper assessment during my BFA days. I assume I will always be thrown under the bus, told I'm not talented enough and I'm wasting everyone's time.
I fully admit this is my problem and a rather out dated narrative/broken record playing in my head on repeat.
Anyway.
Assessment was scheduled at 10. I of course had a session of meditation and workout to ease my nerves. I read through my written document over and over again to the point where I'm not even sure what I'm reading. And because I have stage fright, I brought props to get the attention off me when spoken to.
Is this rude of me?
Too much eye contact makes me feel đł
I don't know where to look.
Stop looking at me. đ¤Śââď¸
Sitting in a conference room with a representative of the Doctoral College, Director of the Doctoral College and my lead, I was very sweaty.
Pit stains, moist palms, the works.
As the 60 minute session began, just as lead had prepped me and assured me that everything will be fine and I will be more than able to answer the questions, I heard questions being asked. I couldn't hear what was being said. You know when you're so panicked and you can't really see straight and hearing is this high pitched white noise? That's pretty much the entire 60 mins. Just as I felt everyone's đ burning on my skin, I quickly remembered to whip out my prop.
I'm a visual thinker. In order to express what I'm seeing inside my head, I have a lot of charts/diagrams drawn out on A0 sheets. It helps me to clarify how everything is connected to each other. It keeps me on point. Also, I like big sheets of paper.
Once I got my sidekick out, everyone nodded and understood what I was saying.
Question: There are a lot of parts within this PhD; are you sure you want to be tackling every aspect of it? You can easily do about 5 PhD within this PhD.
Answer: Um. I would like to do what I've set out to do. I only want to do 1 PhD. Everything I've brought up is connected to each other.
Suggestion: Yes, that is evident from your chart. For your health, the Doctoral College is very much suggesting for you to scale your project back.
Answer: Thank you for your concern. I will think on aspects of the research which can be reduced or eliminated.
Outcome: You've passed your assessment. We look forward to seeing your work and hosting your own conference.
Internal brain response: đ°
Actual response: đ Thank you. I look forward to talking about my work to peers and colleagues.
In conclusion: Always bring some sort of prop when things require for you to be clear. Charts are clearer than my words. Or that they remind me what I'm to say and all the work I've done.
Task: Make a lot more charts.
Task task: Go home and sleep and maybe eat some fried chicken on the way home. đ
