Permission
I'm start this post off with a mantra.
Thank you for always showing up for me
Thank you for showing up strong especially when I'm panicked and am too overwhelmed with all the thoughts in my head deafening any sense of logic I may have.
Thank you for wanting to take over.
Thank you for protecting me.
Breathe in, breathe out 🌬
I'm going to take it my way.
Let's walk hand in hand down this road and work on it together.
You'd think I'm talking to myself. I'm actually talking to one of my parts.
The ever present twins👯: guilt and shame.
I begin to panic when I can't get my thoughts out of me down onto Google Docs coherently.
Confession: At this point, my thoughts don't have to be coherent, all I want is for it to come out of me.
Nope.
It won't.
The more I try to tug it and will it out of me.
The WORSE it becomes.
HELLO?!
I have milestones to meet. I have a set of expectations to up keep.
I have a degree to get.
I have
I have
I have
I have
and so it begins..
The perpetual viscous cycle: Very quickly, guilt and shame takes over, then fear, and panic.
I have to get these thoughts out of me.
I'm never going to finish on time.
OMG I'm not going to finish.
OMG I'm going to fail out of this degree.
Wait wait.
Breath in.
Logic trying to kick in: If I'm not on schedule, I can delay this.
Fear kicks in: But what if I'm disappointing my supervisors?
What if I disappoint my family?
What if I disappoint all the people rooting for me?
OK.
Mindful curiosity kicks in: Hmm I'm freaking out.
I am predicting the future.
Interesting.
Let's watch this.
What permission do I need to give myself?
I permit myself to get stuck.
I permit myself to write one word at a time, string them into a sentence, string it into a paragraph.
I permit myself to write like shit.
I permit myself to feel like shit when I write.
I permit dreading to have to do something I know I am extremely uncomfortable with.
