My Most Beautiful Mistake
I must admit, I probably didn't work the smartest for my first year of this PhD.
Let's see...
I read theory from cover to cover.
Dictated every word on the page.
Cried my eyes out every time I had to write my dissertation.
It might not have been the smartest way of working, yet, it's the only I know how to work.
As these choices seem to have slowed down my productivity, could it possibly mean that I committed to the same mistake(s) over and over again?
I believe, life teaches you the lessons you need to learn at that exact moment.
Were my choices mistakes?
Maybe.
If they were, they're the most beautiful mistakes I will keep making until it no longer works for me.
More often than not, what seemingly is a mistake is absolutely the right choice to make in order for it to lead us to the step choice. I'm not sure whether I believe in mistakes, because, at the end of the day, I would gain a new experience I wouldn't have otherwise experienced.
And that?
It's worthwhile of my time.
A long time ago, I read something Alber Albaz had said about the way French women dress. He said, it's very french to emphasis what is seemingly a weakness: being short, flat chested, etc.
There's no point in hiding it so might as well make the most of it.
It resonated with me. And I guess I'm doing something similar.
What is seemingly my weakness: the endless reading and crying, I might as well make the most of it.
Yup, I'm going to continue to read theories cover to cover.
Why?
Because what if there's something that's applicable and I missed it?
Maybe, just maybe, I'll get a handle on this crying situation.
That I'm not sure whether it's adding to my life. And general mental and emotional well being.
But to be perfectly clear, it's not a mistake to cry nor do I have anything against it.
As the year is coming to an end, I wanted to take the time out to recount my "mistakes" and thank them for showing up for me.
As I've learned with time that in the end, these things or processes which make me incredibly uncomfortable and vulnerable are coping strategies to protect me.
So thank you.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for never giving up.
Thank you for catching me when I need and don't need you.
